My Fake War by Andersen Prunty

Author:Andersen Prunty [Prunty, Andersen]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi, azw3
Tags: Science Fiction, Humorous, Fantasy, Bizarro
ISBN: 9781933929996
Publisher: Eraserhead Press
Published: 2010-05-29T05:00:00+00:00

Twenty-three

“Fetch?”

He coughed and said, “I’m here! You have your report, private?”

“I have something.”

“Let’s hear it.”

“I don’t know what you’re expecting to hear.”

“The report!”

“Okay. Well, first of all, there’s nothing here. There’s a guy named Bob Weathers who welcomed me to Grisnos, so I guess that’s where I am. But I think he might be delusional or something. He looks like a lizard. There are no other people here but he pretends to talk to people. There aren’t any structures, just badly spelled words to represent the structures. There doesn’t even seem to be any food or water. I don’t even know how this guy is alive.”

“And this doesn’t seem suspicious to you?”

“Mysterious, maybe. I don’t know if I would use the word suspicious.”

“When you say there are badly spelled words everywhere, what do you mean?”

“I think they’re supposed to represent structures and things.”

“And things?”

“Yeah, like objects… Like beds and sinks and doors and things.”

“Have you seen him write any of these words?”

“No.”

“Have you seen what he could possibly be writing these words with?”

“No. I guess it could be blood or something.”

“Find out. Did you declare war on him?”

“Well…”

“Jesus to fuck, Dressing. I gave you one simple thing to do and you couldn’t even do it. Did you get him to attack you?”

“Not exactly.”

“You were supposed to get him to attack you and then declare war on him.”

“I don’t know what the point of that would be. We can’t just declare war on people because we don’t understand what they do.”

“That, my friend, is pinko commie bullshit. Exactly the type of thing I would expect to come out of your mouth. Do you want a court martial for disobeying orders? Is that what you want? Do you want to spend the last years of your life in a military prison?”

“Not exactly. Unless it has a library. I guess it would be all right if it had a library.”

“It does not have a library. I can’t believe you would be willing to give up your dignity to protect this freak.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily call him a freak. In many ways, I find what he’s doing admirable.”

“Admirable! Wasteful is more like it.”

“How so?”

“Look at all the land he’s wasting. That’s land that could be used. That land could be put to use to feed the world.”

“It’s a desert.”

“It could be rich in natural resources.”

“You mean oil.”

“No one hardly even uses oil anymore, dipshit.”

“Then I’m afraid I just don’t understand.”

“Understand this: Tomorrow, you will get him to give up Grisnos, allow us to assist him in nation building, or you get him to attack you and we declare war on him. Understood?”

I didn’t want to understand. I wished I was mentally deficient or something.

“Understood?!”

“Yes.”

“And find out what he’s using to write those stupid words.”

“Whatever.”

There was an uncomfortable silence. I didn’t want to say ‘bye’ and Fetch never signed off anyway. I stood up and began walking back to the house in the bright fullness of the moon.

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